The quarter to midnight blab

FACT: XU Days, The Great effin’ College Party, Christmas Break, and the hell there were still so many mini-celebrations the past few months and I was so lazy to even think about them. Backlogs. Backlogs. Backlogs. I don’t even know how to start. The mirth, drama, and everything in between seemed to have lost its glint only a few weeks ago. Maybe I should start writing at the spur of the moment. #2015resolution

But who cares about it now? It’s not something I’d go crazy about.

My real intention of putting you through such a rant is to you inform you that I’ve been keeping a lot of feelings to myself lately. Well, I speak about these to my friends but its their duty to listen and even though they don’t want to hear it, they’ll stick their ears out just to get it over with. *I have the most amazing friends, by the way. No matter the insincere listening part.

What I’m saying is, these feelings get all locked up inside me because I’m a girl and you should ask society! (Am I right? or Am I right?) Geeeezzzzz, if I could just accumulate large muscles, grow a beard, gobble up a whole apple (waleyshit coming), not have freakin’ periods, or maybe even sound like I’ve just inhaled hydrogen with a special baritone sound. But that will altogether be awkward for a confession.

Scrap that off this post. You see, I’m in one of the most uncomfortable positions a girl with a small tinge of lipstick and face powder could be!!! Tell me, now, how do I get over the feeling of extreme suffocation (done in my own will) whenever he’s in the office? (Yeah, I forgot to tell you that we’re freakin’ officemates. T_T) What are you supposed to do/say when you’re left with no choice but to face and look into each other’s eyes when everyone’s so busy catching up on their own businesses and you two are the only businesses you have to mind because apparently, you were done minding your own businesses (okay pa?)? Why the hell do you get these crazy goosebumps whenever your skin touches his? And how could you crazily react by having the urge to get a little more closer to him more often? GAHD don’t get the wrong idea. it’s way beyond that! it transcends hahaha

And how could you not adore him so much when all he’s showing is kindness? This should be scarier, right? Not having found any loopholes. But I guess he has been hurt a million times that who I’m facing now is his wretched state and that because I’ve gone so used to it (even though I’ve never really seen him break down and just merely stealing glances because my very supportive friend snickers every 10 seconds) that I just don’t care anymore. I’ve been broken and I know how it feels. I understand how people could be so vulnerable at times. I don’t judge them for that.

It was 5 months since we’ve met and I thought it has been a year. We’ve never spoken longer than 20 minutes a sitting but I’ve felt that when given a chance with just the two of us in a room, I’d earn a bestfriend. :’) I like his oval-shaped face, with thick eyebrows, dull eyes, and full lips that really qualify him as a model. He used to appear quite coltish because he’s almost 6 ft tall but with adequate toning, he never looked compact as before. He also got these slightly stooping shoulders. But I’ve looked at him way way way past that. I’ve looked at him so many times and he’s probably the only person in the room whose presence I won’t ever reject or get tired of having around.

This topic has taken me too long to write about because I have the feeling that something really sad and disappointing might happen. I’m somehow caught up in this little thought that things might change the moment I write or mention about them repeatedly. I don’t know, with me, finally immortalizing him, who knows he might had found out about this already? And that would be tragic. No. Worst. Nightmare.

I won’t get into more details about the moments I’ve savored just too much. I’ll get on with that in the succeeding posts.

It’s the Climb

Hey, there! I owe you a tall pile of posts but I’m starting it right now. This one is probably one of the pivotal moments in my life. It’s one of those defining echos HA HA. k. whutever.

So, yeah, I applied for the job and I got hired. Yay!

I took the chance of applying partly because of Marjorie (she’s going nuts about it hahaha) and mostly because I was not affiliated to any groups yet. That’s mainly the reason why I’m totally screwing myself in a lot of requirements which I’m constantly complaining about (kidding! :P) .

Well, it was a tough way inside. I applied for the position as Copywriter; I submitted my works together with an application form and a RESUME (I was just lucky, actually— I really didn’t know how to make one). There were a couple more tests which makes the process more nerve-wrecking because you never know who you’re competing against. And then we’ve reached the final stretch. THE INTERVIEW!!! And I was the last dudette. To tell you honestly, I was shaking. I mean, if I were the interviewer, I wouldn’t hire me. EPIC STUTTERING, promisssseee. Plus, I couldn’t look my interviewers in the eyes because the heck were they intimidating. I was facing the Features Editor for pete’s sake. Next to her was the former EIC, and to her left was 🙂

But I was done with that freak show (I’m still that freak, by the way). I got the confirmation of my admission and I didn’t know I could be that happy. It almost seemed like I want the earth to eat me when I read the letter. And then they welcomed us into the office. It’s still so surreal because that place was a haven for some of them and then here we are, barging in hahaha

TO BE CONTINUED…

September 30, 2014 Magis Canteen table (near CR)

I wish I was a rock, so that I’m devoid of feeling anything the moment I learned that you continue to exist FOR another 😥

Famileehhhhs

my adoptive family ❤ AAM, XELLO, and CYB :3

to someone in particular

Dear Crush,

Fck u 😦 First of all, why? Why do you do this to me? Why do you make me feel this way? 

Fck myself:( Second,  I’m quite helpless as of the moment because I couldn’t answer my own question.

Fck the world 😦 Third, Why are there so many people who always come in the way? Don’t they understand how stressful this could be for people like me? 

I know you wouldn’t want to hear this but I’m in pain. I really am. Maybe I just need someone to listen to me. Maybe I just need to be understood. Maybe I just need to get a life. And, of course, it wouldn’t be you who I’d be telling these things because I told you to fuck yourself, right? Ugh. Now I hate myself for saying that. It’s just that I’m still waiting for things to, for once (PLEASE!!!!) fall on their right places :'((( 

Help, 

Katrina

Motivate me

The problem with me is that I’m too lazy. I have all the time in the world but I spend a huge amount of it on unnecessary things. I could have written a blog about my midterm week considering that it should have been written a post because there’s so much drama in there—everything in it is too cluttered that it deserves to be (word)pressed. Uggghhh But instead I said I was tired from everything that was happening and I would just tire myself even more if I write a post. Again, this is so not me 😥 I don’t naturally act this way. I don’t even write anymore the way I write before. It’s just so frustrating. I guess I lack spontaneity, but I couldn’t find a way to manage it properly. 

I told a friend about how I perceived a possible cycle in my academic life. My theory is that just like how empires go up and down, or how prices fluctuate, my attitude towards studying goes through a series of swings. I was not a regular honor student in my elementary years. There was even a time when my mother threw my notebooks on the muddy path, just in front of our porch, because I didn’t get the right answers when she conducted a review for our upcoming exams. She was so infuriated about my unhealthy attitude that she would even make me kneel on monggo seeds. I loathed how I made her feel towards me. But I had my glory days, and that was in high school. There was an outburst of intellectual pursuits. I found myself acknowledging competition every day of my life. Although I’m not good in every subject I had, I was still able to reach grades that qualified for the gold medal. I had the support of most of my colleagues. And then, fast forward to college. I must say that the spirit of perseverance is still here. I am still able to cope with healthy competition, but it is starting to waver. I guessed 4 years of hard-earned glory is enough to tire somebody. Often, I would even sigh when I could recall how much persistence I poured on every challenge laid upon me. I miss my old self. She’s such an inspiration. I’m saying all of this because I couldn’t understand why I’m acting this way. My scores are terrible, for god’s sake! I’m a pain-in-my-own-ass. HELLLLPPPP MEEEEEEEE >.<

Side-fringe

It’s sunday evening and I am feeling beautiful. ^_^

If you ask me how to be instantly trending (well, at least I feel like one hahaha) on facebook, I’d say, make everyday your birthday. People you haven’t encountered would even bother to drop an ‘HBD’ on your wall for the sake of conformity. -___-

But I’d say, here’s a more fun way of being one of the headlines: CUT YOUR HAIR, RAPUNZEL! 

Well, I’m saying this because I am currently in that situation, and it actually feels good to be appreciated because of an act which is a hell of a risk. I’ll tell you the story.

This decision is willingly made because I feel that my hair should not grow any longer than it did because I couldn’t manage it well. So, I decide to do some research for prospect haircuts all over the internet. I am in rage about the diverse choices there were. HUHUHU Plus, I’ve grown in love with those cute, edgy, but only-for-the-brave pixie cuts. I was so sure about getting one until my mother’s horrified face struck me. She was just 80% against it. The other 30%, being the go-on-do-it-but-just-make-sure-you-won’t-regret-it-in-the-end. UGGGHHHHHH SUPPORT, anyoneeeee??? Anyway, I still held on to the slightest hope of being crowned as the pixie cut queen.

And then this day came. I’ve copied all the sample pictures into my memory card in case the hairstylist does not know what to do. I waited for my turn. And when I was up, I was not shaking, nor was my heart beating fast. But, then the clipping sound started. *clip* O.O woooowwwww, that was a lot of hair. I even heard them say, “Taas na ni, dai para sa extension. Shokoms na.” Oh my glob. It has began. =_= I’m really glad to be of help but did you just chop a huge chunk? I made this decision, right? But the nervesssss, the nervessss!!! And then the clipping sound continued. I could not…just couldn’t look at my hair…sdgkddlvkdmkdmfldkdvddlvdkdkd I love it! hahahahaha Of course, the whole process jolted me because I thought I would be keeping up with the same flop hairstyle last year. And I’m really happy to be proven wrong 🙂 Thanks to the hairdryer, my worries were relieved. Oh well, here it is 🙂

Read me.

I wonder, what if I could do everything I want to do? What if i don’t do things on time or leave all that is imposed by the world to be done for something that I want to do? How would everyone around me react to this behavior? Will anyone pat me on the back and comment on this form of bravery or will everyone turn their backs on me and ignore or maybe judge me because they feel like I’m not the person they’ve known or I am not the person who I’m supposed to be? I probably calculated the results that would most likely surface, and my answer to that is: EAT IT UP. IT’S MY LIFE.

This post would sound quite rebellious and a lot of you might think that I’m going out of my mind, but I’m perfectly fine. In fact, I am still me. Only a bit more spontaneous, which I’m taking advantage of as of the moment because I’m naturally not the type of person. Wew.

You might also be wondering why I am writing this just now. It’s because I’ve just been fed with splendid knowledge which inspires me to impart the same (which I might fail to do as of the moment). This always happens to me. Whenever I witness someone being so smart not just with the words he/she uses but even the set-up he/she arranges in order to be captivating to his/her audience. I’m quite jealous, actually. That’s why this post is where I vent all that out. Hahaha Don’t get me wrong but I’m not angered by these speakers, in fact, I’m a big fan. It just saddens me that I’ve never made a real huge effort to even be half of where they are now. It drives me crazy knowing that I haven’t made use of everything I’ve learned functionally. I’ve let them all pass. No application has took place. T_T

I am frustrated with how I still haven’t changed after a lot of eventful things I’ve gone through. Things which were supposed to be the agents of change, ended up into just post-it notes on a wall. Notes which never materialized. And that’s me as of now, just a note. A piece of paper. I’ve got everything written over me but they’re just words and words don’t have meanings if I don’t put meaning in them. And even if I have imposed meanings in them, if I’m not able to voice it out, they’ll still be meaningless, just like their individual letters.

That’s why, don’t judge me whenever I look like I’m walking away from what you think may be important because I’m also finding my own importance. It’s hard following others when I haven’t even found myself. It is straining to be the shoulder to one who has just experienced a heart break when I haven’t even experienced it myself (well, this is another story—which means another useless post hahaha). It is also quite difficult to listen to everyone story when I haven’t even mastered the art of listening to my own voice. Just because I haven’t found it yet.

So, please don’t be too hard on me. I’m trying to build myself so that I could stand up for others.

 

—-heeeyyyyy, you see, this post is actually because of these creatures.—-I am seriously wanting to meet them. ^_^ I hope they could find time to visit the Philippines. I would be delighted to meet them. And by that time, I hope I’ve already found my voice.—–

 

 

* You could check out more of them in Youtube. 🙂

Pineapple-y dream

Oh, these lovely sunday mornings make me feel in love ❤ I woke up at 8:30 am but I don’t feel the humid atmosphere a typical 8:30 am would have. Plus, I did not feel tired. Hurray for a good start 🙂

You’re probably wondering what happened? I am still, too hahaha I’m still the process of digesting and deciphering the message of a dream. I was so entranced to that scene for a moment but it did not last long. In fact, I was not able to see the whole picture of it. It jumped into another image which I could only understand as something to do with pineapples HAHAHAHAHA

But what seemed to be the peak of the dream, which I’ve never felt so enchanted before, is a short waltz. ❤ ❤ ❤ I’ve never danced it with someone I like because I think we were able to try it during our PE class in high school, but, again, in compliance with the requirements. This time, I’m really doing it with him hahahaha no naming names basta him. He held my hand and our fingers folded. I was wearing a dress (I’m not sure how it looked like) and I think his was just a casual checkered polo shirt and maong pants.

To tell you honestly, I was not able to experience a debut party because I did not feel it necessary to happen in my life. I was able to attend two proms but I never really appreciated it. I did not even have much photos during the event and just took some selfies at home hahahaha But, you know what, I envy those who experienced the romantic moment of dancing with a partner. It is kind of romantic because one has never been too close (i mean the distance) to someone if not for a dance. All the more if it’s with someone you really, really, really like.

I’ve never spoken with this person before. In fact, when we became classmates in one subject last summer (alaaamssss na hahaha), our seats were miles and miles apart from each other. I somehow am relieved for the anonimity because in that way, we won’t feel awkward when we meet in the hallways. In short, he was not familiar of me. </3

But this dream made it happen. ^_^ It was beyondddddd what I expected. We took light steps, slowly journeying the whole gymnasium. And I saw myself closing my eyes, to just inhale his scent. He’s so fragrant, I promise you <3.<3 Our faces were slowly leaning towards each other and when we were inches apart, I felt his lips kissed my forehead. dkjgdkljdkfndkdklbdnkvdkjgdkfjd My eyes were still closed and I didn’t have plans of ever opening it. hahahaha And for the love of God, our cheeks touched. <3.<3 Maintaining that position, he slowly raised my body away from him and slowly made a turn. This was actually the best part. I’ve never imagined that he could carry me because he is skinny when you see him in person. But he was able to make me feel free. I just felt the air caress me for a few seconds. I was not afraid because I knew he was there. 🙂

We did not hug each other. After the dance, I did not know if we ever had a chance to talk. There were pineapples on a table a couple were eating it. I knew them, of course. There faces were so vivid that I wanted to unsee them. And for now, I’m confused. T_T I couldn’t seem to connect all strands together.

—don’t mind the title. I’m still looking for the appropriate one and currently internalizing the significance of pineapples in that dream hahahaha—

Here are images of that waltz scene or whatever you call that. Just in case my descriptions are vague. Sorry, my descriptive powers are getting rusty. -____-

(c) Google

The dirty business

I’m welcoming myself back to a long lost friend, my blog. It is kind of inappropriate to call myself a blogger because of my dormancy in such world but at least I write “descent” blabs. Don’t I? 😀

Well, yeah, been busy lately. Lots of networks to handle; ranging from family, peers, academics, org(s), dreams, unabandoned fantasies (whut), uncontrolled infatuations, and what not.

It’s also unlikely for me to show up during this time of the sem because I’ve never really did. I still have so many things to get through with but that I’m not too fond of to even get started. T_T What had I told you about this sickness (procrastination)? It’s still untreated and I feel that it’s going to linger for the rest of my days.

I hate it at the same time am grateful for it for a few reasons. I hate it because I’m in a loss for complete hours of slumber. It sucks being lethargic. It does not only affect a single task but it somersaults to even the few moments with your family. The second loathsome reason would be that it’s simply exhausting. Starting and finishing an analysis paper on a movie you don’t even have a copy of, 2 hours before your class, is like doing a thousand burpees nonstop. Definitely SUICIDAL. And third, you have a page to err on without bothering on revising and editing it because you simply don’t have the time to do that. Thus, ending up cursing and disappointing yourself because the images of such process keeps flashing in front of you. It’s torturous, I’m telling you.

However, I’ve never felt so smart in my whole life. Hahahaha call me whatever you want but it’s true. The intensity of the moment just causes an outburst of realizations that do not emerge unless conceived under pressure. Because there is a deadline to beat (I love deadlines—NOT), I think the mind and heart also cooperate. There is synchronization. And Eureka! Lol, not a sentence.

Anyway, this post is just a step to the dirty game of procrastinating. Again, these are only played by those who have shaken thyself and others but still ends up triumphant (at least, in my own dictionary). Those not yielding any good results from this, try another style. Overdosage and not being able to treat it well is highly fatal. HAHAHAHAHA

—Advanced Grammar, Business English, Afro-Asian Lit homeworks and projects pushed to the side like a BOSS— \m/